Weight

Okay, well, what I'm about to share is not something I'm very comfortable with...but since it has to do with a recent achievement that I actually feed proud of, I am going to share anyway...

I have had a problem with weight most of my life. Starting around 3rd or 4th grade I think, I had already started rollin in the chubs. It made school life difficult, since children and teenagers can be mean and nasty at times. Many times I'd cry myself to sleep and wonder why I couldn't be like the other skinny girls my age. When I was younger, I didn't feel like I ever ate an excessive amount of food, but looking back, I'm sure I could have restrained myself a little and gone with a few more hearty helpings of fruits and veggies. I also was never a big fan of exercise. I hated gym. It was my worst "subject." I always felt that school was supposed to test my brains, not my lung capacity. And where brains were concerned, I usually felt above the crowd. But on the other hand, I felt like I was gasping for breath, trying to join the pack of skinnies on their ravenous run in the race for flat tummies.

I think the middle school/junior high years were the worst. Besides the fact that I weighed more than basically every girl in my grade and looked the part, it was also my glasses and braces phase. Talk about your awkward look. I think I won first prize for that. But I got through and also found some faithful friends who were able to look beyond my cover and love me inside and out. Others would call us the "in-betweens," but we didn't mind. We actually kind of wanted to make the name official with signs or T-shirts. :)

After spending a year in Brazil for the last part of junior high and first part of high school, I somehow came back with a body that looked completely normal. I had lost my baby fat, and anyone who hadn't known me before would have never nicknamed me "the fat girl." I only wish I would have noticed at the time, been proud, and tried to stick with that body. For the first time in my life, I didn't notice what I looked like, and I was too busy with other things to even care. I guess that could have been a good thing, but what it really did was just lead me back into my old habits, and I gained weight yet again.

About half way through my senior year in high school, my cousin Cassie and I decided that enough was enough. We were done with all the rolls and feeling uncomfortable in our own bodies. So, we made a goal that we would each lose 20 pounds by my graduation. And we did it! I worked out every day and changed my eating habits, and on the morning of my graduation, I actually hit the 21 pound mark. It was fabulous. I felt like a million bucks. I bought new clothes, shoes, and jewelry for graduation and got my hair done as well. But after graduation I made the same mistake I'd been making my whole life...I let myself go. I told myself it was time to celebrate. And how did I celebrate? Well, with delicious food and lazyness, of course! I got through the summer okay, but then it was time for college and the freshman 15. With me it was more like 25. And I was back again.

Well, when I got married, I was still far from my ideal weight, but I at least didn't feel like I was exploding of fatness, and I found my dream dress for that current body, and everything seemed to work out okay. Pedro seemed to like my big butt, at least. :) But I still never felt great. I tried a few times to lose weight, but I would always give up when the hard times got harder. Then I got pregnant. Being pregnant, in weightloss terms, was like a dream for me! For most girls, they fret about how much weight they gain and can't believe the changes in their bodies. They can't wait to get back to their pre-prego pants. But for me, it was liberating. For once, I wasn't supposed to be losing weight. For once, I was supposed to eat more than the normal Jane. For once, I could look in the mirror and say, "I'm not fat. I'm pregnant." Oh, it was wonderful. I didn't have to try to suck in my stomach--after a while it hurt to do that anyway. And in the beginning, even if what people were seeing was just my fat roll sticking out, they'd say, "Oh, look! You're already showing!" And I'd just smile. I was a huge pregnant woman. But I just felt like I was glowing. I didn't mind. I was growing a baby. Yeah, it was uncomfortable, but that just came with the game.

After I had Chloe, I lost quite a bit of weight, and I felt pretty good. I thought, "Now I can start over." But I didn't. I did the exact opposite. I went crazier than I had ever gone in my life. I packed on the sugars and fats and the lazy, non-exercise days. I felt like I had an excuse because I was a new, stressed-out mother who felt depressed most days. Food was my medicine. And from that attitude, I gained more weight than I will ever admit. I became the whale version of myself. It was disgusting to look at, and I began to avoid my reflection. I hated getting dressed every day, knowing that something else in my closet was going to be too small. And I'd get even more depressed--and that would lead me to do what? Eat more, of course! Food is the cure, right? And exercise--well, that was a subject long-forgotten.

But one day I just couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. And I joined the gym. That seemed to be okay for a while. The exercise felt good, but I didn't really lose much weight. So I got disappointed and depressed again. And I didn't change my eating habits. Then about two months ago, I gave up the gym because of money reasons. I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Without my regular exercise, I just knew I HAD to do something. I couldn't live with myself anymore. So, I prayed. I prayed long and hard and asked Heavenly Father to help me have some self-control and discipline. I knew that He would help me, but I also knew that I needed to take the first step. I decided to cut my meals in half. And cut out snacks altogether. I've heard it's good to have snacks, but with me, I think I get carried away with them. So, I just decided to forget about them. And every other wonderful drink in the world besides water was gone. I made a "water chart" for myself and stuck in on the fridge. I would need to drink at least 8 glasses a day. I went from there. It was hard at first--super hard. The hunger pains were agonizing, and I didn't believe that ANYONE could survive on the amount of food I was eating. But I continued through the struggle. And the first results made me want to jump for joy and keep right on going. So, I did.

What is the result today, you might ask? I am 20 pounds lighter and feeling like the world can't get me down!!! When I weighed myself this morning, I wanted to cry--out of happiness and gratitude. It has only been 7 weeks since I started. I never could have done this without help from my Heavenly Father and encouragement from my awesome husband and family and friends. Thanks to everyone who has been cheering me on. I have a LONG way to go still, but I am determined to reach the finish line--and never, ever go backwards.

P.S. I got my wedding ring on this morning for the first time in forever!!! It's still snug, but at least it's not cutting off my circulation! :)